Cameron: ‘Foreign criminals are good for Britain’

Prime Minister David Cameron has said “Foreign criminal gangs from Eastern Europe are good for Britain and the safety of the British people”. Mr Cameron said “In Britain there is no racism or discrimination towards Eastern European gangs and we welcome the criminal elements from around the world regardless of wherever they come from because security against [...]

The Joe Bloggs Times

The Queen couldn’t give a shit about Wales

The Queen has been forced to cancel her trip to Wales celebrating St David’s day because she couldn’t give a shit about the place. Queen Elizabeth the 2nd made the announcement shortly before she was due to arrive in Wales after a serious bout of apathy came over her like the ejaculation of a thousand bulls [...]

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Richard Dawkins believes in Santa

Professor Richard Dawkins has said that he believes in Santa and we don’t need proof of his existence. Dawkins said to a group of chinless toffs in some debating room Oxford University “Santa is real because he used to put pressies under the tree and I saw him do it and after many years of trying [...]

The Joe Bloggs Times

Secret EU referendum questions leaked by cabinet insider

The Joe Bloggs Times has, through bribery, deception and theft, managed to obtained details of the questions that the British electorate will be asked about the UK’s future relationship with the EU. The questions themselves have been framed by the German President Angela Merkel and approved by the EU President Herman Van Rompuy after vetting [...]

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BBC coverage of Diamond Jubilee is perfect for the people say stars

Many of our best known stars have come out and said that the BBC commentary of Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations was perfectly pitched for the UK public. The BBC was said to be delighted that coverage of the event was branded as ‘inane’, ‘celebrity driven’, ‘low grade’ and ‘drivel’, which means that it fits in [...]

The Joe Bloggs Times

Black Hole found next to the sun

Recent increases in the activity of the sun have revealed images and videos of an unidentified object circling very close to the sun. Many people have claimed that this is some sort of alien craft or artefact and when a live video feed was pulled this started the claims of a NASA cover-up of alien [...]

The Joe Bloggs Times

EU ready to impose tax on passing wind

Some recent research indicates that dinosaurs were large enough and plentiful enough to have passed sufficient wind to change the climate. This has led to urgent moves by the EU Commission to implement pre-emptive measures to prevent it happening now. The study led by Dr Dave Wilkinson from the Liverpool John Moores University claims that [...]

The Joe Bloggs Times

Speaker John Bercow applauds voter apathy

Talking to Sky News the Speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow, said that voter apathy helped maintain good government. He pointed out that, as all the three main parties are essentially the same and offering basically the same solutions to the same perceived problems, we were therefore always sure of voting in a [...]

The Joe Bloggs Times

Compulsory hazing for MPs

The government is so concerned about the low esteem in which the public hold squabbling politicians that they are looking at ways of making them work more cohesively. One of the methods that is due to be introduced after the next general election is for the compulsory ‘hazing’ of all new MPs. It is thought [...]

The Joe Bloggs Times

Falkland Islands claims sovereignty over Argentina

The government of the Falkland Islands has today lodged an official claim of sovereignty over Argentina with the United Nations. The official statement from the Islanders said that, as they were there before Argentina became a state, the South American country should fall under the Falkland’s jurisdiction. The Argentine government has been given until after [...]

The Joe Bloggs Times