Some recent research indicates that dinosaurs were large enough and plentiful enough to have passed sufficient wind to change the climate. This has led to urgent moves by the EU Commission to implement pre-emptive measures to prevent it happening now.
The study led by Dr Dave Wilkinson from the Liverpool John Moores University claims that Sauropods, like the huge 150 ft long 45 ton Diplodocus, could well have produced more methane through passing wind than all the sources put together in the modern world.
But with a growing human population and the need for more animals to support them there are concerns that the combined farting may further increase climate change already underway from industrialisation.
The EU commission have come out of the blocks first and asked a number of companies to bid for the licence to supply and run internet connected ‘fart-o-meters’. These devices will be fitted to all new underpants, knickers and nappies by the year 2016 with all lavatories to be fitted or retrofitted by the end of the same year. They will all be connected via the web to a huge EU wide database and people taxed according to their ‘emissions’. Public lavatories will be taxed at source on an assumed emissions basis. The money raised will go towards some bright new shiny Commission buildings and a 10% rise in EU budgets and salaries “…providing good value for money” said the Commission press release.
Non-wearing of a fart-o-meter will be a criminal offence as will be any form of fly-farting and those entering the EU as tourists, students, guests and asylum seekers will be issued with two pairs on entry. Those with diplomatic immunity will be able to fart freely.
Farmers will also have to fit the devices to their livestock and will be taxed accordingly.
The EU Commission is also starting up a publicity campaign called ‘Better In Than Out’ in the hope that they can encourage people to limit their personal emissions, although there are some medical concerns.
It’s not all bad news for farters though. Each person will be given an annual ‘personal emissions quota’, which will be tax free. Any unused quotas can be sold back to the EU for a rebate.