Jeremy Corbyn to replace Trident with basket weaving

Trident Missile 2 (PD) copy

In his first serious interview since winning the Labour leadership contest, Jeremy Corbyn has stated his aim of scrapping Trident, the UK’s nuclear deterrent.

Under our far-reaching policies we will no longer need the nuclear deterrent.” he said “ In fact,” he went on puffing his chest out proudly “we won’t need any defences at all!

Asked what he would do in the event of invasion he replied that by the time he and his party had finished with the UK there would be nothing left worth invading.

We will ensure that the UK is split up and handed over the the EU or anyone else who’ll have it – in fact we’ll pay them to take it. We’ll also pay massive reparations to any country or person who makes a claim and apologise for everything from Vlad the Impaler to the plague and malaria. This will make people like us whilst ensuring we have nothing worthwhile stealing.” He said.

After being pressed on the matter further and asked what he would do if we were still threatened with invasion he said, “No-one can invade the UK under my leadership, because the borders will be totally opened up. There will be no border force and no army, navy or air force – we don’t need them because why would someone need to invade the UK if they can just walk in through an open border? It’s a simple and very cheap policy, can’t you see the logic of it?

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Asked about the repercussions on employment he said’ “There will be no detrimental effect on employment, we will use the money saved to issue basket weaving sets. I think this is a massive untapped market that can pay all ex-servicemen a minimum wage on the profits, freeing up loads of money to give away to other countries, then they’ll all be our buddies.”

Next we’ll be looking at shutting down police forces,” he continued “after all, if there are no police there can be no crime can there? More sensible policies from my new Labour party.

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