Scientists from Brothelwhite College in Cambridge have confirmed the leaked report is valid and that eating a healthy diet will not prevent aging or living for ever like the Highlander.
“After today’s leak we have been forced to comment on this, however with another £20 million of public funding we should be able to confirm the possibility that we are incorrect“.
Matilda Cougar who is the presenter of the all female television program, Menopausal Ladies briefly stopped talking during a live show about how utterly dissatisfied she is with her pseudo-feminist existence to leak the story about longevity to her hormonally deficient audience members comprising mainly of middle aged wannabe footballer’s wives.
Cameras managed to capture footage of at least 4 women all called Tasha being trampled underfoot as the audience ran for the emergency exits straight to the nearest chip shop.
A spokesperson for the Ministry of Health said “We highly recommend that you do not go and buy expensive natural products filled with nutrition because this may be detrimental to your health“.
“Large multinational corporations have spent lots of money brown-enveloping, wining and dinning us to assure you that nutrition is dangerous due to it’s lack of being processed in factories“.