Author: Joe-Bloggs

The Queen couldn’t give a shit about Wales

The Queen has been forced to cancel her trip to Wales celebrating St David’s day because she couldn’t give a shit about the place. Queen Elizabeth the 2nd made the announcement shortly before she was due to arrive in Wales after a serious bout of apathy came over her like the ejaculation of a thousand bulls on Viagra. Creepy house issued a statement saying “Her Majesty is unfortunately unable to honour  her commitments to the people of Wales and their culture seeing as she is already their hereditary ruler and they can all go and fuck themselves” “She would rather stay in London in her nice big house...

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Richard Dawkins believes in Santa

Professor Richard Dawkins has said that he believes in Santa and we don’t need proof of his existence. [adsenseyu1]Dawkins said to a group of chinless toffs in some debating room Oxford University “Santa is real because he used to put pressies under the tree and I saw him do it and after many years of trying I have actually captured him”. The arch atheist finally spotted Santa last December after spending every Christmas for the past 65 years waiting for him but only managing to trap him by changing his Santa bait. “In the past I had used mince pies,...

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Secret EU referendum questions leaked by cabinet insider

The Joe Bloggs Times has, through bribery, deception and theft, managed to obtained details of the questions that the British electorate will be asked about the UK’s future relationship with the EU. The questions themselves have been framed by the German President Angela Merkel and approved by the EU President Herman Van Rompuy after vetting by the European Union Commission. The plan had been for the questions to be sprung on the electorate with as little notice as possible to prevent the people of Britain being ‘distracted’ by nationalistic talk. The people would have been told via Radio 4...

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BBC coverage of Diamond Jubilee is perfect for the people say stars

Many of our best known stars have come out and said that the BBC commentary of Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations was perfectly pitched for the UK public. The BBC was said to be delighted that coverage of the event was branded as ‘inane’, ‘celebrity driven’, ‘low grade’ and ‘drivel’, which means that it fits in perfectly with just about all other forms of popular entertainment that the people of modern Britain lap up. “We are so pleased that major stars recognise the great lengths we go to when trying to meet the expectations of our viewers” said a BBC...

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Black Hole found next to the sun

Recent increases in the activity of the sun have revealed images and videos of an unidentified object circling very close to the sun. Many people have claimed that this is some sort of alien craft or artefact and when a live video feed was pulled this started the claims of a NASA cover-up of alien activity. But the truth is much scarier than that. The object is not a UFO, we can reveal that it is actually a black hole, and the ‘umbilical cord’ connecting the two in the video is really a pipeline of matter being sucked from...

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