The government is so concerned about the low esteem in which the public hold squabbling politicians that they are looking at ways of making them work more cohesively.

One of the methods that is due to be introduced after the next general election is for the compulsory ‘hazing’ of all new MPs.

It is thought that hazing (or fagging) all new MPs will help bring a sense of belonging and fellowship to the House of Commons where all MPs will feel true members of a club that works for the good of the country.

The hazing practices put forward for the first set of newly elected MPs to endure consist of a choice of the following:

  • 24 hours tied to Big Ben.
  • Swimming across the Thames and back opposite Westminster Palace.
  • Being hung upside down in a sack from the rafters of the commons during Prime Minister’s Questions.
  • Mud-wrestling matches in the lobby.
  • Walking the electric carpet.
  • Spanking whilst bent over the Speaker’s Chair.
  • Giving their maiden speech in a gimp mask with a remote controlled vibrator stuffed up their anal passage.
  • Being branded on the backside with the House of Commons crowned portcullis logo.

(Further suggestions below please.)

This will follow in the grand traditions of many of the world’s oldest and most revered educational and military organisations where hazing is seen as part of the rite of passage of anyone on their journey to becoming a true member of their chosen profession.

When the British public then see what their politicians have to endure it is also thought that they will be held in much higher regard.

The Royal Society for the Protection of Ethical Politicians has welcomed the move saying that it will help to revive an endangered species by beating ethics and comradeship into them.


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