The government of the Falkland Islands has today lodged an official claim of sovereignty over Argentina with the United Nations.
The official statement from the Islanders said that, as they were there before Argentina became a state, the South American country should fall under the Falkland’s jurisdiction.
The Argentine government has been given until after tea on Sunday to relinquish control of the country or ‘face the consequences’.
The President of Argentina, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, said that her people were not about to be bullied by ‘those tyrannical colonial-minded a**eholes”. She went on to say that her country’s armed forces, although totally outgunned by the Falkland Islanders’ superior training, rowing boat, pitchforks and special forces penguins would “…fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills …… as long as it’s over by the weekend”.
Preparing to invade Argentina should they not comply, the Falkland Island’s Home Guard commander, Captain Mannering VD and Scar, said that his men were ‘ready for anything’ and would show the Argentine forces a thing or two should they fail to surrender their sovereignty.
“Who do you think you are kidding Mrs Kirchner?” he said “If you think that we won’t win. We are the ones who will run your little town. We are the ones who will make you step right down.”
Captain Mannering then asked his sub-commander, Corporal Jones, to demonstrate the sheer lethality of their secret weapon. Grasping the most wicked looking pitchfork available Jones stepped smartly forward and charged at the waiting targets shouting “They don’t like it up ‘em! They don’t like it up ‘em!” But unfortunately, in his haste he veered unsteadily off course and the brigade second in command, Sergeant Wilson, who was telling one of his boys that they could not be excused, got it firmly up the rear.
Asking everybody rather loudly not to panic Jones then volunteered to run off and get a plaster.
“You see the sort of dedication the Argies are up against?” Said Mannering proudly “They don’t have a match for that!”
A United Nations spokesperson who did not wish to be named said that they hoped the problem would go away and the US ambassador said that they wanted the Falkland Islanders to win because at least then there would be some stability and good government in Argentina.
The UK’s stance is that it is up to the Falkland Islanders themselves to decide the fate of Argentina.