The Duke of Edinburgh in one of his more compassionate moments has hacked and slashed his way through a kennel of puppies to relieve a little tension before the Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

Speaking to the Joe Bloggs Times, nature’s no1 enemy said “I woke up with slight agitation the cause of which is this f*****g jubilee  bollocks and it caused deep vexation so I found Betty’s sword of knighting and gave the little furry bastards what they deserve”.

At a press conference Paul Antdung who is a spokesperson for animal rights group (which Prince Philip is patron of), Friends of the Puppies said “We cannot believe that in the 21st century an elderly Greek man who is married to a German wife can get away with such acts of cruelty just because his wife happens to have fooled the British people into believing they have claim to the crown”.

After the press conference Mr Antdung was promptly marched to the Tower of London where he is expected to be hung drawn and quartered in front of a public audience later this week to commemorate Her Majesty’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

Buckingham Palace released the following statement “The way in which the Royal family choose to conduct their lives is of no business to a couple of  tree hugging bunny F***ers, the land of this country and the animals that roam it are under ownership of the Queen. And all royal subjects should fear the Queen and her husband day and night”.

“In particular this applies to small furry animals in close proximity to the Duke of Edinburgh, they should remain in a constant state of terror in-case he is in need of a little hunting therapy”.

“In his mercy Prince Philip is not planning to indulge in any acts of genocide towards the animal kingdom for the foreseeable future, however that could change at a moment’s notice so all wild game are asked to be on their guard and to wear red, white and blue targets on their backs for the Jubilee”.

Bedlington puppies

Bedlington puppies

Image  –See page for author [GFDL ( or CC-BY-3.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons