The chancellor has hailed his trip to China as a great success and said that we have much to learn from the Chinese.

We must become more ambitious as a nation in order to compete with countries such as China he said and has come up with a raft of policies to help us forge our way confidently in the world again.

The first of these is a new flagship policy of ‘Subsidies for Sweatshops’ (SS). This will mean pumping billions of money from the public purse into private companies that provide work, accommodation and food for their workers as well as education for the children.

NY Sweatshop (PD)

This will, at first, be applied to the long term unemployed but could in the future become the model for the whole country if successful said a government spokesperson.

Huge factories will be built across the UK (except the South East) where workers can be looked after by their benefactors from the cradle to the grave.

Dormitories will be made available and, if married with children, small apartments too. Foodhalls will also be built-in and all costs levied on the workers will be on a company self regulated basis.

The best news is that everybody will be ensured a job, food and accommodation! Heating will be provided when the company concerned believes it cold enough to justify switching it on.

For those that reach the new mandatory pension age of 90, they will be sent to specially selected luxury retirement sites where they can live out their remaining days in comfort. To protect their privacy the locations of these special sites will remain secret – even from their relatives.

As all the workers’ requirements will be met locally, car ownership will be abolished to protect the planet and, to protect the children, access to the fully monitored internet will be strictly limited. Pay will also be limited as once food and shelter have been provided everything else is a nicety that people should only have occasional access to.

Sugar, salt, tobacco and alcohol will be in good supply. Not as some claim in order to keep the number of workers down but to ensure they are happy says the government.

Each facility will also have its own fully equipped health centre looking after the welfare of all the workers.

This is a new golden age of prosperity for the nation said the Chancellor and everyone should rejoice that they will each have a place in ensuring that the UK grows richer by the day.